T H H I N N N N E R R R R R

Coke and nicotine are no substitue for baked doritos darling. . . Now I know you and you and your friends think looking like an 11 year old boy with some sort of muscular disorder is "hot". And I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but listen here flatty patty - there is nothing attractive about this look.... No one enjoys the looming threat of being poked in the eye by a snapped collar bone. Jeez Nicole, you used to be the Mary...

Come on sister, let's swing by Pink's and get you a wiener. That's right, I said wiener.

"I want my Bon Jovi to Rock!"

I recently learned that the Bon Jovi biography, fittingly titled "Believe" will be coming out this year, released in time with their newest album, "Lost Highway"....

Here are a few things I "Believe" about Bon Jovi:

1.) Quite possibly the greatest post heavy-metal, heavy metal band of all time
2.) Quite possibly the worst post heavy-metal, pansy rock band of all time
3.) Defintely the heavy-metal band to have the greatest success after chopping off the long hair-band locks

4.) Nothing is more fun to sing in the car than Bon Jovi (except Journey and maybe Tom Petty)
5.) Thanks to them (and later Zack Braff), Jersey is the most depressing place in the known universe
6.) At least 3 out of 4 members nailed "the dish" on tour
7.) Richie Sambora is awesome
8.) JBJ is NOT aging naturally
9.) Lost Highway is a fairly sweet movie
10.) I've seen this band live more than any other (except Bob Dylan - its a tie, is that weird?)

Bon Jovi is like Hollywood, you love it, you poke fun at it, but you don't necessarily want to know the truth behind the idea. I mean come on, who gives a shit what really happened? We just want to scream "Bad Medicine" at the top of our lungs! Not empathize with a whining rock star about his regretable drug use and love for his wife who stood by him -that's boring. Reality is lame. Your fans are in it for the power ballads, not the conversation, so don't waste our time...

Therefore, I "Believe" I'll skip the biography. But you can bet your ass I'll be in the nose-bleeds for the next tour! Mock me if you must, but at the end of the day, aren't we all just living on a prayer?

PS: Wouldn't it be awesome if Journey opened for them?

Oh Courtney, darling...find a Burger King, please!

I've always had a soft spot for Courtney Love. Girlfriend is a few cards shy of a full deck and I've definitely seen too many pictures of her flashing some unsuspecting fans, but she seems like the kind of chick that you want to have a crazy Vegas night with and then go back to your normal life, thankful that you don't party like that all the time. So a little while ago when she was out of rehab, rocking the full figure, I was happy for her. She was getting healthy and the girl knew how to rock that new-found rack...



Unfortunately, she has now turned into a poster child for the Eat a Sandwich cause...



Sweetie, I will buy you a meal! I'd be afraid to drink with you now in fear that you would fall and break every bone in your body simultaneously. Please, track down an ice cream truck and buy a Chipwich, I doubt the driver will even charge you, he'll see this is a Chipwich emergency.

I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Part 1 of 3)

Ladies....

I gave you all the chances in the world. I bit my tongue when you wore that rainbow beret, said nothing when you showed up in an embroidered tee shirt with some capri-length leggings, and completely avoided eye contact thus eliminating the potential for an ugly face to face confrontation when you sported hot pink formal shorts. FORMAL SHORTS!?!?

I can be silent no longer. There are just certain things you cannot wear to the workplace. Yes, you are young. Yes, this is a pretty laid back environment that rewards creativity and individuality. No, this does not apply to your yellow fishnet stockings. Put them away. Now. Go. I'll wait.

Okay, let's go over some guidelines here:

You are no longer in High School. In fact, you've already graduated college. Now I know Forever 21 has a great selection of weekend wear, but if I see you in an art-deco tunic with a wool scarf around your neck I'm going to flick you in the head. Who needs a wool scarf? We live in Los Angeles, for christ's sake.

Short tee-shirt dresses paired with high boots. Great for Halloween or a night on the town, not great for sitting across from me in a meeting. If there is even the remote chance that I will see your ladyparts when you get up, I will throw my pen at your eye. I have really good aim.

Backless shirts. I repeat, you are at work. I don't want to know where you buy your bras or what color they are. Cover it up, skank.

Capri Pants. Okay, you caught me. This one doesn't just apply to the workplace, it's a general rule of thumb. Yes, they do make your ankles look fat. No, they don't make you look taller. Go back home, find the rest of your pant legs and call me in the morning.

Pigtails. Give me a break, you're like 29 years old. And you're at work. Take them out or I will.

I blame Rachael Zoe for this.

Oh honey, let me give you a hug. Can I buy you some Subway?

you know how i know you're gay?

I love Paul Rudd (Part 1 of Infinity)

Reese's Pieces

Naomi: Hey Reese, it's so lovely to see you here at the Oscars. I'm having such a great time!

Reese: Me too! Y'all just don't realize how great it is for me to get out on my own, I mean, bein' by myself is so hard at times. You see, I am just a sweet southern girl, and goin' through this divorce is so hard, but I'm a strong woman and the spirit of June Carter Cash just runs through my Southern blood, and and it's just so nice to be able to...

Naomi: yeah uh huh that's great so, where can I find the giftbags around here?

Reese: oh, yeah girl don't you worry I'll get ol' whathisnuts to get one for ya.

Since when is "re-gifting" considered charity?

Jessica Simpson went to an orphanage in Mexico recently to donate some things. . . Things she received for FREE and decided she didn't want to pay taxes on. . . Man that chick has nothing but class! Class and Pro-Activ. Read more:
http://perezhilton.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/11737

TNMwha??

So, the new destined-to-be-a-classic, cinematic masterpiece, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or TMNT as the kids are calling it these days) came in #1 at the box office this weekend.

Who can I punch in the throat?

That's all, as you were.

Now, you know I love me some prescription pills...

But Anna Nicole dear, my goodness, you were taking it to a whole new level.

· Diphenhydramine hydrochloride (an antihistimine and sedative) - please, this is child's play

· Trichloroethanol (a sedative and hypnotic) - the ethanol scares me a little, by the hypnotic brings me right back in

· Clonazepam (aka Klonopin; used for treating anxiety) - sounds like a Tuesday to me

· Temazepam (a sedative and hypnotic) - you had me at "temaz..."

· Diazepam (muscle relaxant, used for treating anxiety, insomnia) - Frankie seyz Relax

· Nordiazapam (sedative) - Where the hell are my uppers?

· Oxazepam (a muscle relaxant and sedative) - I'm starting to hallucinate

· Lorazapam (anti-nausea, sedative, muscle relaxant) - Even Howard K. Stern is looking good

· Trichloroacetic acid (treatment of warts, including genital warts) - oh good lord, just give me the needle

I love you Dannilynn!

Welcome to Eat A Sandwich

"I've seen this "cutting" thing before, I deal with a lot of anorexics"