Ladies....

I gave you all the chances in the world. I bit my tongue when you wore that rainbow beret, said nothing when you showed up in an embroidered tee shirt with some capri-length leggings, and completely avoided eye contact thus eliminating the potential for an ugly face to face confrontation when you sported hot pink formal shorts. FORMAL SHORTS!?!?

I can be silent no longer. There are just certain things you cannot wear to the workplace. Yes, you are young. Yes, this is a pretty laid back environment that rewards creativity and individuality. No, this does not apply to your yellow fishnet stockings. Put them away. Now. Go. I'll wait.

Okay, let's go over some guidelines here:

You are no longer in High School. In fact, you've already graduated college. Now I know Forever 21 has a great selection of weekend wear, but if I see you in an art-deco tunic with a wool scarf around your neck I'm going to flick you in the head. Who needs a wool scarf? We live in Los Angeles, for christ's sake.

Short tee-shirt dresses paired with high boots. Great for Halloween or a night on the town, not great for sitting across from me in a meeting. If there is even the remote chance that I will see your ladyparts when you get up, I will throw my pen at your eye. I have really good aim.

Backless shirts. I repeat, you are at work. I don't want to know where you buy your bras or what color they are. Cover it up, skank.

Capri Pants. Okay, you caught me. This one doesn't just apply to the workplace, it's a general rule of thumb. Yes, they do make your ankles look fat. No, they don't make you look taller. Go back home, find the rest of your pant legs and call me in the morning.

Pigtails. Give me a break, you're like 29 years old. And you're at work. Take them out or I will.

I blame Rachael Zoe for this.