Jessica Alba doesn't Swallow

Drop it like it's HOT

Maxim's newest "Hot List" is about to hit the stands and guess who was number 1?! Lindsay Lohan.... Now ladies and gentleman let's first remeber that A.) Lindsay is like 19 or something, barely legal - that should make her HUSTLER HOT not MAXIM HOT. I like Maxim, I don't want to be disguested by them! B.) Lindsay Lohan is a frequent rehab go-er, a pathetic drunk, and a teenager. Ew. C.) Grown men (barely) reading Maxim should not want to stick their d*cks in a teenager that is too drunk to remember her name! D.) Don't you think she looks a lot like Kid Rock sometimes?

Either the decision makers for the Maxim Hot List are a bunch of 15 year olds drooling over the older girl that boozes and smokes, or a bunch of old pervs dreaming about the glory days when they were 15 year olds drooling over their older sister's friend's boobs while she lit up a Vigina Slims 120.

The lovely folks at Fox News tell us "Jessica Alba had to settle with the No. 2 on the list . . . followed, in order, by Scarlett Johansson, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Biel, Ali Larter, Eva Mendes, Rihanna, Eva Longoria, Fergie, Sienna Miller, Angelina Jolie, Beyonce Knowles and Katherine Heigl." Oddly enough, only one Olsen twin made the list. The hot one I guess.

Seriously, skinny little Lindsay is hotter than Beyonce? Or Angelina? Yeah right. If that's the scale, I nominate DJ Quails for hottest on the Maxim Hot Dude List. I hope Jessie B isn't crying herself to sleep tonight.

Cannes Can Can

The festival is upon us and we can only hope for some really craptastic outfits to make fun of while we sit in envy of those that are in Cannes sitting in the sun watching the stars. Here are some stand outs from last year:

Paris goes to the Pen

A few weeks back, Paris got pulled over for driving around without her headlights on. Then she got busted for driving with a suspended license. Now Miss Not-So-Pretty in Pink will be spending 45 days in prison!

According to E! News, before her sentence, Hilton apologized, and said she never would have gotten behind the wheel if she knew she wasn't supposed to.

Right, just like you didn't know it was totally obnoxious to show up to court "fashionably" late. At least it wasn't Robert Altman's set. . .

I hear the night life in the pen is a little different than that on Sunset Strip Paris, but you don't mind it in the rear, so I'm sure you'll be fine.

Some advice to little Blondie Bear:
1. Do not bribe the jail guard for bottled water
2. Being slutty may not result in the same benefits in jail as it does on the outside
3. Don't sing, these people are already being punished
4. Just because the place is full of skanks, doesn't make it Saddle Ranch, be careful when demanding an Adios MotherF*cker
5. This would be an inopportune location for another "video" Paris
6. Don't scream, they like it when you scream