Donna?

Sources confirm to the eat a sandwich organization that prior EAS offender Tori Spelling has officially become an ordained minister. Well done, Ms. Tori, first you ate a sandwich, now you found God. Lahayem!

Hey, ah, hmm, any of you guys got an extra dollar?

Probably not.

So Meaty!

Eat a Sandwich has always loved Eli Roth (although some of us do prefer the mark of Gabe Roth). This photo, taken by photographer Tim Palen, reminds us that there are so many reasons to love Eli. He is more than just Cabin Fever. However, up till now, Cabin Fever was enough.

Top that Marky Mark. I dare you!




For more info: http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2007/06/eli_roth_has_his_dirk_diggler.html#more

Jessica Alba doesn't Swallow

Drop it like it's HOT

Maxim's newest "Hot List" is about to hit the stands and guess who was number 1?! Lindsay Lohan.... Now ladies and gentleman let's first remeber that A.) Lindsay is like 19 or something, barely legal - that should make her HUSTLER HOT not MAXIM HOT. I like Maxim, I don't want to be disguested by them! B.) Lindsay Lohan is a frequent rehab go-er, a pathetic drunk, and a teenager. Ew. C.) Grown men (barely) reading Maxim should not want to stick their d*cks in a teenager that is too drunk to remember her name! D.) Don't you think she looks a lot like Kid Rock sometimes?

Either the decision makers for the Maxim Hot List are a bunch of 15 year olds drooling over the older girl that boozes and smokes, or a bunch of old pervs dreaming about the glory days when they were 15 year olds drooling over their older sister's friend's boobs while she lit up a Vigina Slims 120.

The lovely folks at Fox News tell us "Jessica Alba had to settle with the No. 2 on the list . . . followed, in order, by Scarlett Johansson, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Biel, Ali Larter, Eva Mendes, Rihanna, Eva Longoria, Fergie, Sienna Miller, Angelina Jolie, Beyonce Knowles and Katherine Heigl." Oddly enough, only one Olsen twin made the list. The hot one I guess.

Seriously, skinny little Lindsay is hotter than Beyonce? Or Angelina? Yeah right. If that's the scale, I nominate DJ Quails for hottest on the Maxim Hot Dude List. I hope Jessie B isn't crying herself to sleep tonight.

Cannes Can Can

The festival is upon us and we can only hope for some really craptastic outfits to make fun of while we sit in envy of those that are in Cannes sitting in the sun watching the stars. Here are some stand outs from last year:

Paris goes to the Pen

A few weeks back, Paris got pulled over for driving around without her headlights on. Then she got busted for driving with a suspended license. Now Miss Not-So-Pretty in Pink will be spending 45 days in prison!

According to E! News, before her sentence, Hilton apologized, and said she never would have gotten behind the wheel if she knew she wasn't supposed to.

Right, just like you didn't know it was totally obnoxious to show up to court "fashionably" late. At least it wasn't Robert Altman's set. . .

I hear the night life in the pen is a little different than that on Sunset Strip Paris, but you don't mind it in the rear, so I'm sure you'll be fine.

Some advice to little Blondie Bear:
1. Do not bribe the jail guard for bottled water
2. Being slutty may not result in the same benefits in jail as it does on the outside
3. Don't sing, these people are already being punished
4. Just because the place is full of skanks, doesn't make it Saddle Ranch, be careful when demanding an Adios MotherF*cker
5. This would be an inopportune location for another "video" Paris
6. Don't scream, they like it when you scream

Eat a friggin' sandwich

Well. This is a nice transition from "holy crap that's nasty" to "Ew". It's a great start Kate! Keep those avacoado and lettuce sandwiches coming.

Say GoodBye to Trader Vics

Well folks, its time to say goodbye to Trader Vics for good!! Officially gone from their long held corner of Santa Monica and Wilshire, there is still a chance we'll be able to slam some of their yummy drinks at the bar inside the Hilton. And yes, they'll still be terribly overpriced. And don't you worry, when we finish the BOWL of alcohol in 2 long sips, we'll still glare at the bartender and demand to know where he gets off calling this a "drink for 2"?!

bitch slapped by a man in tights

Wow.... Slapping around a fan is a move more likely attempted by evil Spidey than wussy Tobey, but you can't argue with what's in front of you. Who does Tobey think he is? Someone cool? What an idiot.

Dear Abby gets a run for her money!

Microsoft has just offered the world something so amazing, we didn't even know we wanted it till it was here!! Now, I can think of nothing better! By clicking on this link: askcorey@microsoft.com, you are awarded the opportunity to ask '80s teen heartthrobs Corey Haim and Corey Feldman anything! According to the site, the Coreys will be guest columnists on MSN, and you can ask them anything. Seriously. Anything. From Goonies to girls. From rehab to acting to License to Drive drunk. The best questions will be featured in the column and answered personally by each Corey.

These shananagins are to promote their upcoming reality series on A&E, which we're waiting patiently to mock and secretly adore.

This is only the begining of a new era of Corey Fever!!!

Spring Break Rules!

Unless, like Joe Francis, you're spending it in a dehydrated jail cell!

What's that fool done now you ask? He has just been charged with bribing a jailguard for a bottle of water. Yep, a $100 for a bottle of water. When the bribe didn't take, he flashed $500 to the lucky jailer who still said no, and then busted him for it.

But that's not all! A subsequent search of his cell yielded a stash of prescription meds... Guess what you're not supposed to have in jail? Cash and Drugs.

The jackass who supplied the "contraband" (as it's referred to in the "big house") is none other than, Scott Barbour - The president of Mantra Films. For those of you that aren't that into to barely-legal-softcore, Mantra is the company that produces the "Girls Gone Wild" videos. Scott has been arrested as well.

Does this mean we can expect "Inmates Gone Wild" in stores this fall? Eat A Sandwich thinks so!

Want to to read more about sleezy Joe's dirty history? Read Claire Hoffman's tale of whores and horror at Latimes.com : http://www.latimes.com/features/magazine/west/la-tm-gonewild32aug06,0,2664370.story

A coke whore and an acrobat?

Some girls have all the luck....

Forget the sandwich Kate, eat some downers for heaven's sake!

He Ruined My Breakfast

When Robin Thicke had long hair and was singing "When I Get You Alone," he was kind of cool sexy. Not gorgeous by any means, but intriguing to say the least.

Sadly when I sat down to my english muffin and soy milk this morning I turned on the Today show and there he was really creeping me out!

Scary Scary Scary

First of all, the peach fuzz is unnecessary. If you don't want to grow real facial hair, just don't do it. Second of all, has anyone really listened to his lyrics?

Tell me it would break your heart
That u love me and all my dirty
U wanna roll with me u wanna hold with me
U wanna make fires and get Norwegian wood with me.

Really? Is this serious? Or is this like the Alanis "My Humps" video where you are making fun of some other horrendous singer that sings ridiculous lyrics?

This is not evolution, Robin Thicke, this is some sort of brain damage.

Another One Bites the Dust

Today our favorite crackhead, Miss Whitney Houston, was awarded custody of her 14 year old daughter, Bobbi Kristina. Luckily, the young teenage years are not thought to be influential, shaping, or crucial years for a child. Therefore, Bobbi Kristina should grow up just fine in this tumultuous crack den. Bobby Brown, baby's daddy, will attempt to overturn this decision. I'm told he's very persuasive.

Good luck Bobbi Kristina. You're going to need it. When times get tough, remember the immortal words of your mother, "Crack is whack yo".

Judge not....

Apparently there is a quite a bit of hype around Arvil Lavigne telling the sad case that was once Briney Spears to get over herself. Now take your time and try and remember who Arvil Lavinge is. Nothing? I'll help, she's that Canadian chick who pouts a lot and dresses like a skater punk with a make-up kit. She also sings, but who cares. The point is this, Avril may not matter, but she is right. This whole bald-rehab-babymaking madness with ol' B. Spears is pathetic. Its nice to see other meaningless, depressed, fake blonde teenagers are noticing that. Hopefully it means the next generation of crappy mass-produced-pop will sack up and wait till they hit Mariah Carey's age to have their breakdowns.

In the meantime Avril, may we suggest some flourless chocolate cake? You're looking a bit waif like dear, and that shade of pale can't be healthy. Remember Arvil, judge not, lest the be the next to suffer from "exhaustion"...

I thought she took care of this?

Ew.

I love Paul Rudd (Part 2 of Infinity)

I also heart Michael Showalter, the entire cast of Wet Hot American Summer, Bridget from "The Girls Next Door", JG-L's new movie "The Lookout", pizza, miller lite and last but certainly not least, I Heart Huckabees

T H H I N N N N E R R R R R

Coke and nicotine are no substitue for baked doritos darling. . . Now I know you and you and your friends think looking like an 11 year old boy with some sort of muscular disorder is "hot". And I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but listen here flatty patty - there is nothing attractive about this look.... No one enjoys the looming threat of being poked in the eye by a snapped collar bone. Jeez Nicole, you used to be the Mary...

Come on sister, let's swing by Pink's and get you a wiener. That's right, I said wiener.

"I want my Bon Jovi to Rock!"

I recently learned that the Bon Jovi biography, fittingly titled "Believe" will be coming out this year, released in time with their newest album, "Lost Highway"....

Here are a few things I "Believe" about Bon Jovi:

1.) Quite possibly the greatest post heavy-metal, heavy metal band of all time
2.) Quite possibly the worst post heavy-metal, pansy rock band of all time
3.) Defintely the heavy-metal band to have the greatest success after chopping off the long hair-band locks

4.) Nothing is more fun to sing in the car than Bon Jovi (except Journey and maybe Tom Petty)
5.) Thanks to them (and later Zack Braff), Jersey is the most depressing place in the known universe
6.) At least 3 out of 4 members nailed "the dish" on tour
7.) Richie Sambora is awesome
8.) JBJ is NOT aging naturally
9.) Lost Highway is a fairly sweet movie
10.) I've seen this band live more than any other (except Bob Dylan - its a tie, is that weird?)

Bon Jovi is like Hollywood, you love it, you poke fun at it, but you don't necessarily want to know the truth behind the idea. I mean come on, who gives a shit what really happened? We just want to scream "Bad Medicine" at the top of our lungs! Not empathize with a whining rock star about his regretable drug use and love for his wife who stood by him -that's boring. Reality is lame. Your fans are in it for the power ballads, not the conversation, so don't waste our time...

Therefore, I "Believe" I'll skip the biography. But you can bet your ass I'll be in the nose-bleeds for the next tour! Mock me if you must, but at the end of the day, aren't we all just living on a prayer?

PS: Wouldn't it be awesome if Journey opened for them?

Oh Courtney, darling...find a Burger King, please!

I've always had a soft spot for Courtney Love. Girlfriend is a few cards shy of a full deck and I've definitely seen too many pictures of her flashing some unsuspecting fans, but she seems like the kind of chick that you want to have a crazy Vegas night with and then go back to your normal life, thankful that you don't party like that all the time. So a little while ago when she was out of rehab, rocking the full figure, I was happy for her. She was getting healthy and the girl knew how to rock that new-found rack...



Unfortunately, she has now turned into a poster child for the Eat a Sandwich cause...



Sweetie, I will buy you a meal! I'd be afraid to drink with you now in fear that you would fall and break every bone in your body simultaneously. Please, track down an ice cream truck and buy a Chipwich, I doubt the driver will even charge you, he'll see this is a Chipwich emergency.

I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Part 1 of 3)

Ladies....

I gave you all the chances in the world. I bit my tongue when you wore that rainbow beret, said nothing when you showed up in an embroidered tee shirt with some capri-length leggings, and completely avoided eye contact thus eliminating the potential for an ugly face to face confrontation when you sported hot pink formal shorts. FORMAL SHORTS!?!?

I can be silent no longer. There are just certain things you cannot wear to the workplace. Yes, you are young. Yes, this is a pretty laid back environment that rewards creativity and individuality. No, this does not apply to your yellow fishnet stockings. Put them away. Now. Go. I'll wait.

Okay, let's go over some guidelines here:

You are no longer in High School. In fact, you've already graduated college. Now I know Forever 21 has a great selection of weekend wear, but if I see you in an art-deco tunic with a wool scarf around your neck I'm going to flick you in the head. Who needs a wool scarf? We live in Los Angeles, for christ's sake.

Short tee-shirt dresses paired with high boots. Great for Halloween or a night on the town, not great for sitting across from me in a meeting. If there is even the remote chance that I will see your ladyparts when you get up, I will throw my pen at your eye. I have really good aim.

Backless shirts. I repeat, you are at work. I don't want to know where you buy your bras or what color they are. Cover it up, skank.

Capri Pants. Okay, you caught me. This one doesn't just apply to the workplace, it's a general rule of thumb. Yes, they do make your ankles look fat. No, they don't make you look taller. Go back home, find the rest of your pant legs and call me in the morning.

Pigtails. Give me a break, you're like 29 years old. And you're at work. Take them out or I will.

I blame Rachael Zoe for this.

Oh honey, let me give you a hug. Can I buy you some Subway?

you know how i know you're gay?

I love Paul Rudd (Part 1 of Infinity)

Reese's Pieces

Naomi: Hey Reese, it's so lovely to see you here at the Oscars. I'm having such a great time!

Reese: Me too! Y'all just don't realize how great it is for me to get out on my own, I mean, bein' by myself is so hard at times. You see, I am just a sweet southern girl, and goin' through this divorce is so hard, but I'm a strong woman and the spirit of June Carter Cash just runs through my Southern blood, and and it's just so nice to be able to...

Naomi: yeah uh huh that's great so, where can I find the giftbags around here?

Reese: oh, yeah girl don't you worry I'll get ol' whathisnuts to get one for ya.

Since when is "re-gifting" considered charity?

Jessica Simpson went to an orphanage in Mexico recently to donate some things. . . Things she received for FREE and decided she didn't want to pay taxes on. . . Man that chick has nothing but class! Class and Pro-Activ. Read more:
http://perezhilton.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/11737

TNMwha??

So, the new destined-to-be-a-classic, cinematic masterpiece, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or TMNT as the kids are calling it these days) came in #1 at the box office this weekend.

Who can I punch in the throat?

That's all, as you were.

Now, you know I love me some prescription pills...

But Anna Nicole dear, my goodness, you were taking it to a whole new level.

· Diphenhydramine hydrochloride (an antihistimine and sedative) - please, this is child's play

· Trichloroethanol (a sedative and hypnotic) - the ethanol scares me a little, by the hypnotic brings me right back in

· Clonazepam (aka Klonopin; used for treating anxiety) - sounds like a Tuesday to me

· Temazepam (a sedative and hypnotic) - you had me at "temaz..."

· Diazepam (muscle relaxant, used for treating anxiety, insomnia) - Frankie seyz Relax

· Nordiazapam (sedative) - Where the hell are my uppers?

· Oxazepam (a muscle relaxant and sedative) - I'm starting to hallucinate

· Lorazapam (anti-nausea, sedative, muscle relaxant) - Even Howard K. Stern is looking good

· Trichloroacetic acid (treatment of warts, including genital warts) - oh good lord, just give me the needle

I love you Dannilynn!

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"I've seen this "cutting" thing before, I deal with a lot of anorexics"